Kindergarten Graduation Day

 I had a really tough day today. My baby graduated Kindergarten. Wasn’t it just last week that I wrote about her first day?! This crept up on me yesterday, and I didn’t even realize why I felt emotional until I started ironing her graduation gown last night. I caught a glimpse of ironing her high school graduation gown. To make it worse I looked back through her preschool keepsake books that her wonderful teachers made. Then the tears began to fall.

As a mom, I sometimes get tired of being needed all the time. Come on, I am sure if you are a mom, you’ve felt that way too. Having your name called 1000 times a day, answering the 100^th question of the day or looking for that lost _____ (you fill in the blank). Sometimes it all seems a little exhausting. However, it makes me sad to think that the older my children get, the less they will need me. I’ll admit it; my whole life has revolved around my children. But the older they get, the more they need to take responsibility in order to learn how to manage life. The more they need to do things for themselves and work problems out on their own. It makes me very nervous to think about having to let my kids start making some decisions on their own. But if we don’t, they will always expect mom and dad to “fix” everything. They can’t go through life like that and turn out  to be responsible, well adjusted teens and adults.

Of course I know that as parents, our job is to guide their decision making process so that they learn to make right choices on their own. Right now, we still have the means and the responsibility to make the right decisions for them if they can’t or won’t. I pray that Steve and I are instilling in them the wisdom they need to one day make those important and even everyday decisions on their own (with God’s help). We will always be here for them, but the day is coming when we will not be able to be by their sides telling them what they need to do in every situation. Oh, I dread that day!

I realize that they may not always need me holding their hand to get them through everything, but they will always need my prayers, love and support…and they will always have it.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

I recently uploaded my pictures from Christmas. Yes, it takes me a while. I found a picture I had forgotten about. It was a darling picture of Sophie and my nieces. As I looked at this picture, I saw such sweet innocence. Their cheerful smiles and bright eyes made me wish the younger four could stay this way forever. Too soon they will grow into preteens, teenagers and young women. Gabrielle, the oldest, has grown into a beautiful, bright young woman who loves the Lord.

When Sophie was four years old, I painted on her wall, in big, bold letters Psalm 139:14 “I will praise you because I am remarkably and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.” We recited it every night before bed. Since we have moved, she has asked me to paint it in her new room. I want her to know right from the start that God made her wonderful and beautiful, just the way she is.

I can't just talk about it though; I need to be a good example for her. I’m learning it takes an effort to live that out in front of her. I have to be careful not to let her see me fret about my weight or hair or skin. I want to teach her that taking care of herself is important because we are God’s temple and we are to honor him with our bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:19,20) We try to eat healthy, get exercise and dress appropriately as Christians.  No, I don't believe we have to be covered from head to toe, but we are to dress modestly. (1 Timothy 2:9) I  want her to have enough respect for herself and feel good enough about herself that when she is older, she doesn't feel the need to dress in a way that would draw negative attention and take focus off of who she really is on the inside. We like cute clothes and painting our toenails, but we don’t over-emphasize our outer beauty because God looks on the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) 1 Peter 3: 3-4 says “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within...” I want our girls to know that they are beautiful because God loves them and made them special. They don’t have to look like anyone else but who they are.

Just like moms, dads play such an important role in their daughters’ lives. If a Daddy loves his little girl and is affectionate toward her and actively protects and cares for her, his daughter will feel like she is worth being treated with love and respect. Not only that, but if our daughters see Dad treat Mom in a loving and respectful way, she will know how her potential suitors should treat her. Daddies should be careful not to demean women or make crude comments about women. Our daughters are watching and listening.

Sophie has such a sweet nature and a compassionate heart. Our prayer is that she would be sheltered by our love and more importantly by God’s love so that the world around her doesn’t steel that from her. So that she knows she has a place where she is accepted and loved no matter what. A place where she can bare her soul and not be condemned. A place where she can make mistakes and be forgiven. A place where she can grow and learn with all the support we can give her. A place where she is free to sing and dance like no one is watching, even when we are.

Sophie and all of my nieces are unique and wonderful, just the way God made them. My prayer is that they are growing up with confidence in who God made them to be. As we encourage our daughters’ strengths, assist them through their weaknesses (without criticizing) and teach them about God’s love for them, they will know who they are. They are not just our princesses; they are princesses of the Most High King. 

Enjoying the Present

In the past two months we have celebrated birthdays for both of our children. I cannot believe that my baby is 6 and my first born is 8. Sometimes it seems like they have always been with us. Other times it seems like just yesterday they were babies. They should still be about 3 and 5. Where did the time go?!

So much has changed in the eight years since I became a mom. My whole world turned upside down and inside out the day Nathan was born. I look back now at how exhausting and challenging those early days were with two little ones only 22 months apart, and I wish I could have them back. Isn’t that funny? I miss watching Baby Einstein and Little Einsteins with them. I miss holding them in my arms (without hurting my back) and having them toddling around my feet.

So, on Nathan’s birthday, April 1^st, I was reminded of a recent devotion from our student minister during a family night at church. He encouraged us not to dwell on the past but to embrace the present. This really helped me to put my thoughts into perspective. I can dwell on the desire to have my children be babies and toddlers again (and be sad) or I can celebrate the ages they are right now. Wishing they were babies again is futile. It accomplishes nothing. Enjoying them at 6 and 8 accomplishes much.

Yes, it’s perfectly okay to reminisce over sweet memories, but they shouldn’t make us sad and long for the past. They should make us eager to make every moment count. Knowing that the days go by so fast should be reason enough for us to embrace every moment. Ephesians 5:15-16 says “Be very careful then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity…” So I pray that God will help me to make the most of the opportunities that I have with my children now…for tomorrow, they will be grown.

Field Trips, Mercy and Grace

Field trips. Got to love em. Well at least the kids do. After a very crazy day of chaperoning a recent field trip with my children and half of their school, we all three crashed on the couch exhausted. As Sophie worked with the remote to find a show to watch, she had to give it to me to get it where it needed to be. It’s one of those universal remotes that even I can’t figure out sometimes. As she lay down beside me, she asked, “Why can’t I do things right?” Thinking she was frustrated with the remote, I asked her what she meant. “Why can’t I listen?” she asked.

Okay, now let me back up. On the way back to the school from the field trip, we were talking about what we had to do after school. She was fussing and complaining because she couldn’t do certain things she wanted to do. Even after I explained to her why she couldn’t, she kept on. Now I knew she was tired so I was patient with her. Finally after I had heard enough, I told her she was being ungrateful. I had just spent the whole day with her on her field trip, and it was all about her having fun. After thinking for a while, she told me she was sorry for acting that way.

Then at a store, she whined and complained again because she couldn’t get a game she wanted. Even after I explained why, she kept on. Don’t you love that? Me neither.

When we got in the car, she began to cry and said she was sorry. So when she asked me at home why she wasn’t able to listen, I knew she had really been thinking about it. I knew she didn’t need a lecture. What she needed was the truth spoken in love, and she needed grace.

I couldn’t help but sympathize with her. I too wonder and ask God sometimes, “Why can’t I get it right?” After trying and trying to improve on things and going round and round in circles, I feel defeated too. Do you know what my Father gives me? Truth and grace. God knows my heart. I may not always get everything right, but He still loves me anyway. I felt like that is what Sophie needed to know. That I love her even when she messes up… over and over again. The fact that she is trying and wants to change makes me more willing to show her mercy. God also knows when we really desire to obey Him and live according to His word. Thankfully, He shows mercy upon mercy to me too.

“The Lord God has told us what is right and what He demands: “See that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern, and humbly obey your God.” Micah 6: 8

“The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” Lamentations 22,23

Innocent Hearts

Most of us think our children are innocent. Don’t we? Of course we do, because they are! When they are young, they see things through innocent eyes and pure hearts. While at our family gathering at my mom and dad’s house on Christmas, Sophie was playing with her new Princess Ariel and Prince Erik Barbie dolls. She had them close together as if they were hugging or dancing. She has seen this on princess movies like Cinderella where Cinderella and her prince dance at the ball. She also sees her Dad and me hug a lot.

Our entire family of about 25 was sitting around my parents’ den talking and checking out each other’s Christmas gifts. I watched Sophie as she played. After she laid the dolls down, I asked her if they were dancing? Nathan heard me and said very loudly, “It looks like they are dancing lying down!” All of the adults burst into laughter including myself. The innocence of his comment was what made it so funny. He had no idea why we were laughing.

I love that about my children. They are still so innocent. That hasn’t happened by chance though. There is enough out there in this world to steal their innocence even at their young ages. Steve and I purposely work to keep that from happening. We monitor what they see on television, they only play educational and age appropriate video games and we only listen to Christian radio. They never watch movies with anything above a PG rating. Even then, we pay close attention to the contents to make sure it is OK. Those magazines at the check-out lines with headlines that make even me blush get turned around quickly to shield Nathan and Sophie from reading the vulgar content on them.

I’m not bragging by any means. I’m just learning more and more that it takes a concerted effort on a parent’s part to protect their children from indecency or things that are too mature for little minds and hearts to understand. I love a quote from Corrie Ten Boom’s book, The Hiding Place.  When she was still quite young, Corrie asked her father about something he didn’t think she was ready to know.  This was his wise response:

“It would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a heavy load. [speaking of his tool case] It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

Oh, how much wisdom did this man have! We need to preserve our children’s innocence as long as we can. They should be able to just enjoy the innocence of childhood. They will learn the troubles of adulthood and the perverseness and violence of the world soon enough.

Put the Guilt on Pause

Christmas Morning Fun!!!

More often than not, I have mommy guilt. Guilt when I make one of my children cry even though they deserved the correction. Guilt when I raise my voice. Guilt because I forgot to send lunch money or that we haven’t worked on scripture memorization in weeks. Guilt, guilt, guilt. And of course, there is the concern that none of the things I am teaching them is actually doing any good.

Then those sacred moments happen that let me know Steve and I must be doing something right. That all those lessons and talks have actually touched their hearts and deep down are actually taking root. Moments that remind us that we really do have great kids.

This Christmas had been quite an unusual Christmas. My sweet aunt Bertha that I wrote about in “I want to Leave a Legacy” went home to be with the Lord Dec. 22. I left the kids to be at the hospital several times during the week prior to her death. On the same day, my brother-in-law’s dad also went home to be with the Lord. We attended both funerals on Christmas Eve. Not exactly the joyous Christmas any of us would have chosen.

Even in the midst of the sadness, Christmas morning rolled around with the usual excitement and joy. It was the day Sophie and Nathan had been counting down to. I could hear their anxious laughter through Nathan’s bedroom door as I made them wait until all the Christmas lights were on and their Dad finally made it into the family room. (They were up at 6:30) After they had each opened their three presents from Santa, they did not even ask to open their other presents that were under the tree. They excitedly ran and grabbed Steve’s present and mine and insisted we open our presents first.

Wow, what five and seven year old does that? I was so proud of them that they cared more about our happiness than their own. They wanted us to see what we got for Christmas before they did. They were so sweet. I have to say, I was amazed. Perhaps all the talks of “giving is better than receiving,” and “think of others first” have actually had an impact. They truly practiced these Biblical principles that morning.

So, instead of feeling guilty all the time about something that we have done wrong with our children, it is really okay to look at the things we do right. We can breathe a sigh of relief (at least for the moment) that God is using us to positively impact our precious children.

Grace, Grace and More Grace

This morning was a tough morning. I lost it with my precious daughter. I got angry because she had lost something…again. We were already pushed for time for school and we couldn’t find her watch. Today was Neon Day at school and her bright pink watch would have been a perfect accessory (and of course I had this idea at the last minute). It was nowhere to be found.

Sophie is a free spirit and often misplaces her things. She will put them in purses, backpacks, under a pillow or her bed, any place except for where they are supposed to go. I lost it. I fussed at her about a silly little watch. It wasn’t so much the watch as the fact that we are constantly looking for something she has lost.

However this was no excuse for losing it with her and making her feel 2 inches tall. I hated myself this morning. As I walked into the bathroom and saw her crying but at the same time trying to hold it back, my heart sank. Why did I do that? Why did I go off on her like that? I held her while she sobbed and told her I was sorry. My ranting had hurt her deeply. I asked her to forgive me and she kissed me on the cheek. She showed me more grace than I had shown her.

She is such a sweetheart that when I bought that half-priced pink watch, she gave her green one to a boy at school that wanted one. She is so thoughtful. She is always thinking of me. Everyday she brings me something from school that she has made for me. At church, everything she colors or makes is for me. If she makes something for her daddy, it’s for Daddy…and Mommy. She loves me so much. Why had I broken her heart over a $5.00 watch?

You can imagine that on the way to work, I beat myself up mercilessly. “I’m a terrible mom.” I kept saying to myself. Then when I got to work, the email devotion I received this morning from “Girlfriends in God” was about this very same thing. In fact, the first line from the author read, “I’m a terrible mom!” Tears streamed down my face. This woman that God uses to touch the lives of thousands of women was telling about her "crazy person" moment when she too had lost her cool with her child. Once again, God was gracious to me. He gave me the exact encouragement I needed exactly when I needed it. He was not the one condemning me. He wanted to help me.

I don’t have to believe the lies of Satan. I really messed up this morning. I sinned against my baby girl with uncontrolled anger. But that doesn’t mean I am a terrible mom and that I will always do stuff like this. God is changing me from glory to glory.(2 Corinthians 3:18) 

My meditation verse for now is Psalm 19:14, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Obviously, I’m not there yet. I’m learning it’s a process, and I know that I can’t do it without the help of the Holy Spirit.

So fill me Holy Spirit and help me to keep my mouth shut until my emotions are calm and controlled. Amen

Sophie and I at the Cabbage Patch Hospital in Cleveland, GA

(Actual event occurred Friday, October 26^th, and by the way, I found the watch while cleaning out the van a week later. It was under her seat.)