Great Expectations

I read a quote today that challenged me. “Focus more on who your child is than on what your child does. Remember, you’re growing a person, not fixing a problem.” (L.R.Knost)  Sometimes I think we as parents, expect our children to not act like children.  I have read and heard by professional counselors and speakers that expectations kill relationships. Often as parents, we expect our children to grow emotionally or mentally immediately, but that isn’t how it works. Their bodies don’t grow immediately from a 6-year-old to a 10-year-old. Why do we often expect them to grow behaviorally overnight?

I am so guilty of this. But when you think about it, do we as Christians grow spiritually overnight? Do we put bad habits to rest overnight? Do we grow in patience, compassion and wisdom overnight? No! Why do we put such pressure on our children to conform to our expectations overnight? Are our expectations even realistic?  Do we expect our kids to readily master emotions or behavior that we, ourselves, are still struggling with?

God’s mercies are new for us every morning. That’s good news! God is patient with us, far more patient with me that I am with my children at times. We often miss the wonderful little people our children are by focusing on the things they do that we don’t like.  Are they kind, generous or thoughtful?  Are they intelligent, honest or gracious? We are all works in progress, children and parents.

By all means, we are to train, teach and nurture our children in godly character. We are also to set an example of godly character.  But it doesn’t happen overnight. “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Let’s examine our expectations. Let’s be persistent but patient. I don’t nag my husband, but I confess I am sometimes a nagging mom. Nagging will eventually lead to children who don’t want to be around us. Let’s teach our children to strive for excellence not perfection. And let’s remember that the only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus!

Gee, Thanks Mom

 I was standing at one of my regular posts, the washing machine, when I felt someone walk up behind me. As I turned around, I saw tears in my daughter’s eyes. She whispered that she had left her toothpaste at her friend’s house after their sleep-over.  As I looked at her flush little face, my heart felt for her.

Why would she cry over toothpaste? Well, for one thing she was very tired. Like many of us, when she is tired, she gets emotional.  But the other reason is that she is often forgetting things. It is a regular occurrence, a constant infraction, and often her excuse for, well, just about anything.  She thought she would be in trouble. As I looked at her, I saw myself. To this day, I am forever forgetting things. It’s a running joke when we gather at my mom’s house that when I leave, I will forget something: sunglasses, my watch, food, etc.… My husband and my friends at work know I forget my phone on a consistent basis.

It is so frustrating to me. I try; I really do, but remembering things is not one of my strengths.  While I want my children to excel and overcome their weaknesses, I am reminded that some of those weaknesses came directly from me. Bummer. Why couldn’t they have inherited all my strengths and all my husband’s strengths and none of our weaknesses?!  am reminded that I too, am intrinsically flawed.  Yet God shows me grace. Grace upon grace. My children deserve the same from me.

I find myself pushing them sometimes to overcome these inherited (or possibly, inadvertently learned from watching me?...ugh), undesirable tendencies because I don’t want them to struggle with them all their lives: forgetfulness, procrastination, impatience. Oh and the occasional emotional melt-down when tired, that’s from me too. But I realize there is a difference between pushing and nagging and actually helping and encouraging. When I show grace, I can encourage, but without grace, I may make my children feel like they are not good enough, like their weaknesses define them. That is NOT what I want. 

I wrapped my arms around my sweet girl and told her it was OK. Mommy forgets things a lot too and she was welcome to use my toothpaste. The next day her friend came to play and brought her little travel bag back. When I saw it on the table, all I could do was laugh.  For in it, was not only her toothpaste, but also her shampoo, conditioner, tangle spray and brush! 

“Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that is greater than all my sins.”

 (And it is greater than our weaknesses too)

Like a Child Crying "Mommy"

“Mommy,” my two-year-old Sophie turned to me, her big blue eyes, glassy and tired. With this one quiet, desperate plea, my heart broke.  Sophie had been admitted to the hospital with a kidney infection. After spending all day at the doctor’s office running tests to find out why her fever was so high, we were sent straight to the hospital. She had already endured a catheter and having blood drawn and she had missed her nap. 

At the hospital she suffered through two more catheters, having more blood drawn, an I.V., shaking uncontrollably and vomiting from a fever that was too high. The second day, they decided to do a test to find out why she had the infection. They assumed the valve in the urethra was not closing to prevent urine from traveling back up to her kidneys. So they had to fill her bladder completely full with water and dye via the catheter and perform x-rays after she expelled it. 

This was a traumatizing experience for her. She had already cried and screamed throughout her other procedures, but this was apparently the worst one, according to the nurses. One of them even suggested that I could wait outside as some parents did because they couldn’t handle the child’s crying. I probably looked dumbfounded to her because there was no way I was leaving my baby girl when she needed me most. Sophie screamed out, “MOMMY” while the procedure was taking place. I was right there gently comforting her and holding her hand. 

In fact, she had screamed out “Mommy” several times: during each cath insertion and during the x-rays. It was so hard to hear her pleading with me in desperation to do something to help her. She didn’t know that everything that was being done to her was for her own good. I stayed strong, not wanting her to see me upset. 

However, at a quiet moment in the day, after all the procedures were done, we were sitting on her hospital bed watching Dora the Explorer. She was leaning against me, her back to my stomach, when she turned to me looking into my eyes and said the aforementioned one word, “Mommy.” This time, she wasn’t screaming or crying. It was a small desperate plea that she had had enough. She turned back around and continued watching Dora. It was that moment that my heart could no longer be strong. The tears began to silently fall and I wished more than anything that I could take her place.

It’s easy to relate this back to our Heavenly Father. There are times when we are going through difficult situations, that we cry out his name wondering why He doesn’t do something. Like Sophie, we don’t understand, and we just want Him to make it stop. I can almost see Him looking at us lovingly and speaking gently to us, but our emotions and our mind are running rampant. We may not hear him speaking to us until we are quiet and still.  “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Anytime Sophie slept, she wanted to sleep on my chest. She was so traumatized by the whole thing that she would say, “Mommy hold me,” even though I already was. She simply could not get close enough to me. That is how we need to be when we are hurting. We need to draw close to God. It may seem like He isn’t there, but He is. Just like I wouldn’t leave Sophie during her procedure or any other time for that matter, He refuses to leave us. I love the way the Amplified Bible shows the intensity of Hebrews 13:5, “He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax my hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] 

Just like I wanted to take Sophie’s place, God wanted to take ours. He may not take our place during our circumstances, but He did send Jesus to take our place and die for our sins. “For He hath make Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him.” 2 Corinthians 5:21 “And He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.” 1 Peter 2:24 

God is our Heavenly Father; no matter what we are going through He loves us and is there with us. And if we are truly His, when all is said and done, because of His sacrifice, we are victorious, we are healed, we are whole.