Great Expectations

I read a quote today that challenged me. “Focus more on who your child is than on what your child does. Remember, you’re growing a person, not fixing a problem.” (L.R.Knost)  Sometimes I think we as parents, expect our children to not act like children.  I have read and heard by professional counselors and speakers that expectations kill relationships. Often as parents, we expect our children to grow emotionally or mentally immediately, but that isn’t how it works. Their bodies don’t grow immediately from a 6-year-old to a 10-year-old. Why do we often expect them to grow behaviorally overnight?

I am so guilty of this. But when you think about it, do we as Christians grow spiritually overnight? Do we put bad habits to rest overnight? Do we grow in patience, compassion and wisdom overnight? No! Why do we put such pressure on our children to conform to our expectations overnight? Are our expectations even realistic?  Do we expect our kids to readily master emotions or behavior that we, ourselves, are still struggling with?

God’s mercies are new for us every morning. That’s good news! God is patient with us, far more patient with me that I am with my children at times. We often miss the wonderful little people our children are by focusing on the things they do that we don’t like.  Are they kind, generous or thoughtful?  Are they intelligent, honest or gracious? We are all works in progress, children and parents.

By all means, we are to train, teach and nurture our children in godly character. We are also to set an example of godly character.  But it doesn’t happen overnight. “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Let’s examine our expectations. Let’s be persistent but patient. I don’t nag my husband, but I confess I am sometimes a nagging mom. Nagging will eventually lead to children who don’t want to be around us. Let’s teach our children to strive for excellence not perfection. And let’s remember that the only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus!

You Get What You Get...

I hear screams coming from the other end of the house...again.  I know them well. My daughter. I don't panic though. It's a play scream. Her brother is tickling her or threatening to tickle her. Or he is looking at her with mischief of some sort in his eye. Oh my soul. I dislike those screams verily: ear piercing, make the dog howl, nails on a chalkboard screams. 

Before I walk through house to tell them to stop, I am reminded that I prayed for this. Really? Well, sort of. My heart's desire is that my children be best friends, that they enjoy each others' company. Apparently doing that includes screaming. My children have two sides. They are screaming with each other because they are happy and playing or they are fussing and sometimes yelling because they are angry with each other. 

I'm choosing happy. I can hear the screams right now. So, I shut my door. I like quietness and order. But God in his sometimes humorous wisdom, gave me two loud children! If they are happy and playing together, they are wrestling, screaming and laughing, loudly. I need to learn to live with that. That is the way they get along best right now. And isn't that what I actually want? I realize if I step in and end their play every time it gets louder than what I would like, I could be altering their future relationship. Light bulb moment, right now, believe it or not, they are bonding.

Soon, when I have had enough, and don't think me a saint of a mom, It.Will.Happen, I will put them outside. But for now, I am reminded of the saying Sophie learned in preschool, "You get what you get (come on say it with me) and you don't pitch a fit!"

Playtime

Finally, Saturday afternoon had arrived. The morning seminar I had to attend was finished. The house was mostly in order and the weather outside was delightful. So, I grabbed my book and nestled into my cozy chair on my back porch, feet up, coffee beside me. I could see and hear my kids playing in the back yard. All was well with the world.

“Mom, come jump with us,” was the request I heard from my kids who were on their trampoline. Now, I had already jumped with them briefly, and I was satisfied it was enough. “Not right now, just play with each other,” I countered. The last thing I wanted to do was jump on the trampoline. I mean, I’m almost 40! Then the request again, “But we want you to come jump with us.” Why can’t they just let me be? I just want to sit here and read this book, this parenting book…

At that very moment, I read the words, “Love to a child is spelled T-I-M-E. Your presence and every minute you spend with your child matter much more than you can imagine. The benefits will last a lifetime.”* Sigh…Smile. OK, I get it. So I lay down my parenting book and actually went to be a parent. 

As I opened the screen door and walked toward them, cheers exploded. Wow, what a reception!  I climbed on the trampoline and we jumped. We wrestled. We rested. Repeat. As I lay on my back, catching my breath, my children lay with me, the breeze blowing cool on our skin.  We watched the clouds pass by. We talked; we laughed. They were happy. I was happy. And again, all was well with the world. 

Sometimes, our tired, adult minds and bodies just want to rest, and we need that. Sometimes, our adult responsibilities have to be done; that’s being a mature adult. But sometimes, we just need to let it all go and play with our kids. For our kids will soon be the tired, responsible adults and the opportunity will have passed us by.

*Dr. Kevin Leman, Have a Happy Family by Friday

Be Glad Now!

I’ll be glad when… Have you ever said that regarding your children? One of the best pieces of parental advice I heard when I started on this journey of motherhood, was to refrain from saying, “I’ll be glad when…or I’ll be happy when…”  

OK, I admit, I have said it. Colic is a real reason to say, “I’ll be glad when my child does not have colic anymore!” or “I’ll be glad when this reflux is under control.”  Absolutely legitimate and not an ounce of guilt!  But if we are not careful, we can feel that way through so many stages of our children’s lives.  “I’ll be glad when he is off the bottle. I’ll be glad when she is out of diapers. I’ll be happy when he starts walking and I don’t have to carry him everywhere or when he sleeps all night (ok, another legitimate one).  I’ll be glad when he can dress himself or bathe himself, when she finishes middle school, when he can drive himself everywhere.”

Are we wishing our children right into adulthood? Consider the good aspects of those stages and enjoy the moment with your child. Bottle feeding means cuddling, diaper changes means looking into your babies eyes and having his full attention while you are talking to him. Now, I don’t miss the smelly diapers, but I do miss the eye to eye contact and communication that came with having my babies still on a changing table.  I can remember our son being amused by his toes, his first body part he could name; every diaper change came with him clutching them and hearing him say, “Toesss.” Bath-time is a time of connection and play. When they start walking, then we have to keep up with them!  Driving comes with concerns of its own and no more conversations or singing together in the car.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of this as well. Sometimes those stages I have wished away are the ones I long to have back.  We need to make the most of our time with our children while we have them with us.  Perspective is the key. Changing our perspective means changing our attitude which means more happiness in this journey of parenthood. 

“How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” James 4:14

“Make the most of every opportunity…” Ephesians 5:16

Don't Give Up!

“So let us not get tired of doing what is good, for in due season we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9

Trimming shrubs and pruning trees is like therapy for me. It helps relieve stress. I am in a zone! Towards the end of February, I spent a week using my spare time to trim all of our shrubs, trees and rose bushes. I weeded the flower beds and while my husband was gone for the weekend, had straw put out as a surprise. We were ready for spring! 

After just a couple of weeks, the rose bushes were already full of new growth and the first lovely pink blooms have now appeared. The bare branches of the Loropetalum bushes that I cut way back are now covered with maroon colored leaves and tiny dark pink flowers. The miracle of spring! When I finished cutting and cleaning and admired my work, my flower beds looked clean but quite bare! The pruned bushes had no show of beauty, no sign of life for all my hard work. All I could do was wait.  Wait for God’s perfect timing for nature to do its thing!

It reminded me of raising children. How often have I wondered if any of the teaching I give my children will produce a harvest? It may seem that some things we plant into their lives take a long time to come to fruition. It can be frustrating having addressed the same heart issue time and again and wonder if the beauty of the fruit will ever appear on the bare branches of our child’s life. Galatians 6:9 reminds us not to grow weary in doing good for we will reap a harvest at the proper time if we don’t give up. That includes the character traits, values and attitudes we instill in our children.

I witnessed a small bloom breaking forth on our son just the other day in a specific area that we have been working on for a long time and, on the surface, looked to be of no avail.  He picked up his sister’s coat and hung it up without being asked! A small physical act, yes, but a noticeable change in heart and attitude. I had asked both of them to put their coats where they belong. Since she was doing a chore elsewhere, he got there first. Not only did he put his away but he put hers away too. This was huge! He does well in many areas, but helping his sister, in any manner, was a struggle for him.  In fact, it was unheard of! A tiny blossom had emerged.  Yes!  The scriptures, the teaching and the prayers were paying off.

Since they are older now, I can see the evidence of growth in areas they struggled with as younger children. Sometimes, our efforts may seem futile, but they are not! In the hands of our Heavenly Father and by the work of the Holy Spirit, our children are learning and growing. Keep instilling the Word in them, keep praying, keep teaching with words and by example, and pruning with proper discipline. It may happen little by little, but we will see the new growth, the blossoms and the good fruit in their lives. 

“Therefore my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

About a Boy

That Hair!

Those Eyes!

He wraps his arms around me. When did he get so tall? I rest my cheek on his soft black hair. That hair. One of his signature features since he was born: head full, silky and jet black.  We’ve shared so many laughs about that hair, his dad and I. The nurse told me not to use any styling products in his newborn hair, so most days it stood straight up; brushing it didn’t matter. 

As our newborn grew into a laughing, bouncing, chatterbox baby, his eyelashes grew longer and longer.  Hence his second most notable feature, his sparkling eyes that dance when he smiles with eyelashes that go on for inches. As I cup his now 10-year-old face in my hands, he stares back at me, his eyes so brown, they are almost black. I look deep into them, trying to capture this moment. 

Will he always come to me, unprompted and wrap his arms around me? This boy, whose motto could be, “You can agree with me or you can be wrong.”  This boy, known by those who know him best, as the boy who could argue with a fence post, even as a preschooler.  Could he be a trial lawyer one day, fighting for just causes, standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves? Only God knows. I know, however, God does have plans for him. His verse above his bed is Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He has been able to quote it by heart for years.  

As I look into his eyes, still innocent, I want to shield him from hurt, from harm, from the world. Alas, I know that is impossible. For as he grows taller, he grows more aware.  More aware of the darkness in the world, more aware of things his friends and others say and do.  Always one to ask questions, we have tried our best to answer each one. Though it was sometimes tiring, now it has paid off, for the lines of communication are always open.  He is a deep thinker, our boy.  Not much gets passed him. We pray not much will get passed us either. We pray for wisdom for all of us.

Looking back over the years, we have seen our little fellow grow in stature and in knowledge. We used to say when he was little that he laughed loud and cried hard.  He was “all or nothing”. He still is. He is focused. He doesn’t usually do things half way. He is smart. God has gifted him with an amazing memory.  He is honest and has shown many times that he can be trusted to do the right thing when we are not looking.  He loves cheeseburgers and pizza and fights with his sister. 

If I dwell on it too much, it will make me incredibly sad. Knowing that most of our “little boy” days are coming to a close, is hard to swallow.  He will be turning 11 soon, and the next ten years will be filled with big boy adventures and young man firsts. It’s exciting to see what God will do in and through this awesome little dude.  I intend to be right there cheering him on, praying him through, and encouraging him to be all God has created him to be.