About a Boy

That Hair!

Those Eyes!

He wraps his arms around me. When did he get so tall? I rest my cheek on his soft black hair. That hair. One of his signature features since he was born: head full, silky and jet black.  We’ve shared so many laughs about that hair, his dad and I. The nurse told me not to use any styling products in his newborn hair, so most days it stood straight up; brushing it didn’t matter. 

As our newborn grew into a laughing, bouncing, chatterbox baby, his eyelashes grew longer and longer.  Hence his second most notable feature, his sparkling eyes that dance when he smiles with eyelashes that go on for inches. As I cup his now 10-year-old face in my hands, he stares back at me, his eyes so brown, they are almost black. I look deep into them, trying to capture this moment. 

Will he always come to me, unprompted and wrap his arms around me? This boy, whose motto could be, “You can agree with me or you can be wrong.”  This boy, known by those who know him best, as the boy who could argue with a fence post, even as a preschooler.  Could he be a trial lawyer one day, fighting for just causes, standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves? Only God knows. I know, however, God does have plans for him. His verse above his bed is Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He has been able to quote it by heart for years.  

As I look into his eyes, still innocent, I want to shield him from hurt, from harm, from the world. Alas, I know that is impossible. For as he grows taller, he grows more aware.  More aware of the darkness in the world, more aware of things his friends and others say and do.  Always one to ask questions, we have tried our best to answer each one. Though it was sometimes tiring, now it has paid off, for the lines of communication are always open.  He is a deep thinker, our boy.  Not much gets passed him. We pray not much will get passed us either. We pray for wisdom for all of us.

Looking back over the years, we have seen our little fellow grow in stature and in knowledge. We used to say when he was little that he laughed loud and cried hard.  He was “all or nothing”. He still is. He is focused. He doesn’t usually do things half way. He is smart. God has gifted him with an amazing memory.  He is honest and has shown many times that he can be trusted to do the right thing when we are not looking.  He loves cheeseburgers and pizza and fights with his sister. 

If I dwell on it too much, it will make me incredibly sad. Knowing that most of our “little boy” days are coming to a close, is hard to swallow.  He will be turning 11 soon, and the next ten years will be filled with big boy adventures and young man firsts. It’s exciting to see what God will do in and through this awesome little dude.  I intend to be right there cheering him on, praying him through, and encouraging him to be all God has created him to be.

Could it Be....Me?

As I sat in a women’s conference, I listened to the beautiful voices of Selah, content to bask in God’s presence while we worshiped.  The morning had been filled with laughter thanks to Liz Curtis Higgs. She taught us to be happy with the woman in the mirror because God loved and accepted her. A task that is perhaps easier said than done.
 

During Selah’s performance, the beautiful and incredibly talented, Amy Perry, gave a brief testimony of her experience with her 4-year-old son.  In typical preschool fashion, he had done something that frustrated her and asked if she was angry at him. She told him no, she was just angry. He turned and walked off saying, “You’re always angry.” It hit her so hard. That is not how she wanted her son to remember her.

As she spoke through her tears, my heart began to tighten. I had heard those words before. “Why are you always mad?” “Daddy’s fun, but you…”  Yes, those memories came flooding back. Those questions came from a much younger version of our son. I have prayed about this for years and tried conscientiously to change, but there are some days when I am sure my kids still feel this way, but they dare not ask the question.  

So I listened more intently to Amy’s testimony. She told of how she had always struggled with her weight and was very upset with herself that she could not lose weight after her son was born.  She realized the problem was not with her son, but with herself. She was not happy with herself so her disappointment came out as anger.

It was though a light went off. Is that what it has been all this time?  Is that why I have struggled with this as well?  It was true, I did focus on my weaknesses. I could, at any given moment, give a list of my inadequacies.  Truth is, I never thought I measured up. Measure up to whom? I don’t know. What was enough? Don’t know that either. Why did I have this inner chatter of how I thought others saw me?  And why did it matter so much?

Looking for answers, I may uncover painful memories. I may dig up feelings I thought were buried. But if we just deal with the bad fruit and never get to the root, the fruit will keep coming back. We cannot deal with anything as long as we deny it’s reality. So I vow to dive into God’s word and He and I will work through this together. I am His and He loves me. 

Psalm 139:14 “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  He doesn’t want or expect me to be like anyone else, except maybe Jesus! 

  
Romans 12:6, We have different gifts, according to the grace given each of us.”  

Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Am I trying to please people? If I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”