Could it Be....Me?

As I sat in a women’s conference, I listened to the beautiful voices of Selah, content to bask in God’s presence while we worshiped.  The morning had been filled with laughter thanks to Liz Curtis Higgs. She taught us to be happy with the woman in the mirror because God loved and accepted her. A task that is perhaps easier said than done.
 

During Selah’s performance, the beautiful and incredibly talented, Amy Perry, gave a brief testimony of her experience with her 4-year-old son.  In typical preschool fashion, he had done something that frustrated her and asked if she was angry at him. She told him no, she was just angry. He turned and walked off saying, “You’re always angry.” It hit her so hard. That is not how she wanted her son to remember her.

As she spoke through her tears, my heart began to tighten. I had heard those words before. “Why are you always mad?” “Daddy’s fun, but you…”  Yes, those memories came flooding back. Those questions came from a much younger version of our son. I have prayed about this for years and tried conscientiously to change, but there are some days when I am sure my kids still feel this way, but they dare not ask the question.  

So I listened more intently to Amy’s testimony. She told of how she had always struggled with her weight and was very upset with herself that she could not lose weight after her son was born.  She realized the problem was not with her son, but with herself. She was not happy with herself so her disappointment came out as anger.

It was though a light went off. Is that what it has been all this time?  Is that why I have struggled with this as well?  It was true, I did focus on my weaknesses. I could, at any given moment, give a list of my inadequacies.  Truth is, I never thought I measured up. Measure up to whom? I don’t know. What was enough? Don’t know that either. Why did I have this inner chatter of how I thought others saw me?  And why did it matter so much?

Looking for answers, I may uncover painful memories. I may dig up feelings I thought were buried. But if we just deal with the bad fruit and never get to the root, the fruit will keep coming back. We cannot deal with anything as long as we deny it’s reality. So I vow to dive into God’s word and He and I will work through this together. I am His and He loves me. 

Psalm 139:14 “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  He doesn’t want or expect me to be like anyone else, except maybe Jesus! 

  
Romans 12:6, We have different gifts, according to the grace given each of us.”  

Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Am I trying to please people? If I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”