Grace, Grace and More Grace

This morning was a tough morning. I lost it with my precious daughter. I got angry because she had lost something…again. We were already pushed for time for school and we couldn’t find her watch. Today was Neon Day at school and her bright pink watch would have been a perfect accessory (and of course I had this idea at the last minute). It was nowhere to be found.

Sophie is a free spirit and often misplaces her things. She will put them in purses, backpacks, under a pillow or her bed, any place except for where they are supposed to go. I lost it. I fussed at her about a silly little watch. It wasn’t so much the watch as the fact that we are constantly looking for something she has lost.

However this was no excuse for losing it with her and making her feel 2 inches tall. I hated myself this morning. As I walked into the bathroom and saw her crying but at the same time trying to hold it back, my heart sank. Why did I do that? Why did I go off on her like that? I held her while she sobbed and told her I was sorry. My ranting had hurt her deeply. I asked her to forgive me and she kissed me on the cheek. She showed me more grace than I had shown her.

She is such a sweetheart that when I bought that half-priced pink watch, she gave her green one to a boy at school that wanted one. She is so thoughtful. She is always thinking of me. Everyday she brings me something from school that she has made for me. At church, everything she colors or makes is for me. If she makes something for her daddy, it’s for Daddy…and Mommy. She loves me so much. Why had I broken her heart over a $5.00 watch?

You can imagine that on the way to work, I beat myself up mercilessly. “I’m a terrible mom.” I kept saying to myself. Then when I got to work, the email devotion I received this morning from “Girlfriends in God” was about this very same thing. In fact, the first line from the author read, “I’m a terrible mom!” Tears streamed down my face. This woman that God uses to touch the lives of thousands of women was telling about her "crazy person" moment when she too had lost her cool with her child. Once again, God was gracious to me. He gave me the exact encouragement I needed exactly when I needed it. He was not the one condemning me. He wanted to help me.

I don’t have to believe the lies of Satan. I really messed up this morning. I sinned against my baby girl with uncontrolled anger. But that doesn’t mean I am a terrible mom and that I will always do stuff like this. God is changing me from glory to glory.(2 Corinthians 3:18) 

My meditation verse for now is Psalm 19:14, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Obviously, I’m not there yet. I’m learning it’s a process, and I know that I can’t do it without the help of the Holy Spirit.

So fill me Holy Spirit and help me to keep my mouth shut until my emotions are calm and controlled. Amen

Sophie and I at the Cabbage Patch Hospital in Cleveland, GA

(Actual event occurred Friday, October 26^th, and by the way, I found the watch while cleaning out the van a week later. It was under her seat.)

Trust and Obey

“Don’t look at me like that when I tell you to do something.” Lately, every time I tell Nathan to do something that he doesn’t want to do, he gives me a look. If you are a parent, you probably know what I am talking about, that combined look of disappointment, frustration and a touch of anger. He also gives the same look when I correct him about something. Usually, it concerns him being nice to Sophie.

I allowed the look for a little while. I don’t want my children to think that I want to completely control their lives. I also don’t want them to stuff or bury emotions or tell them how they should feel. However, I do want to train them to live by the Word of God, which says we should do everything without complaining or arguing (Philippians 2:14). Apparently, Nathan has learned not to do either of those verbally, so he gives me “the look”.

I do insist on Nathan and Sophie being respectful, and this look was beginning to become disrespectful. Most of the time, it comes when he forgets (or gets side-tracked) and doesn’t do something I have already told him to do. He doesn’t like having to stop what he wants to do and do what I have told him to do. So I had a talk with Nathan about his new facial expressions. I told him that I never ask too much of him or tell him to do something that he is not able to do. I felt like the look he was giving me showed disrespect, and I wanted him to stop. He straightened out his face, and sighed, “Okay”.

It got me thinking. I wonder if God feels disrespected and dishonored when I get side-tracked instead of obeying him immediately. Does he feel disrespected when I obey but do it with far less than a happy heart? Through Nathan (and one of our recent Sunday school lessons), I am beginning to see this as a possible lack of respect for authority and/or perhaps a lack of trust. Nathan needs to show more respect for my authority as his parent by trusting that I know more than he does and am giving him instruction because he needs it. Am I showing a lack of respect for God’s authority as my Heavenly Father, God of gods and Lord of lords when I don’t obey him immediately with the right attitude? Do I trust that He has my best interest at heart? If I know His word, His character and His heart, I won’t have a difficult time trusting him or giving him the utmost respect He deserves. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey."

This was written about 3 months ago. I’m happy to report that I have not received any dirty looks since then (at least not to my face).