I recently came home from what should
have been an encouraging ladies’ event at my church. We had dear
ladies from our church teaching 45 minute classes on skills that
women use at home, some of which were sewing, cooking, having a
peaceful and orderly home, photography and a few more. The women
teaching these classes were experts at their skills. Instead of
being encouraged, though, I and my ever over-analyzing brain, took
home the thought “I don’t know how to do anything.” I didn’t
even take in to account that these women had practiced, taken classes
themselves, or had many years of experience. My confidence had been
shattered. I was probably the world’s worst at comparing myself to
other women. It wasn’t about looks (anymore) or material
possessions; it was about talents and abilities.
When I got home, my husband, Steve,
knew something was wrong. He couldn’t understand why I was feeling
that way. He said, “Just figure out something you want to do and
start practicing and working at it. It doesn’t just happen
overnight.” Pretty simple and straight to the point, but not the
answer I wanted to hear. I wanted him to give me a long list of
things I was good at. I knew he was right, but my mind kept
telling me that I had no natural ability to be good at anything, even
the things I felt God was leading me to do. Where was all this
coming from? It didn’t take me long to figure that one out. At
least I had the capacity to see that these were lies from my worst
enemy and it wasn’t me. It was Satan. So now what? I did the one
thing that I have learned I should do first. I went to God. I told
the kids they could watch TV for a few minutes and went to my room to
cry out to God. After about 5 minutes of praying, I got out my Bible
and a devotion book, “Embracing Your Strengths,” I had bought
nearly three years ago at a Women of Faith conference. I had never
even started it. I began searching for answers in the one place that
has them all, God’s Word. With my 5 year old daughter in my lap
(she was concerned because she saw me crying) I searched the
scriptures and found the peace I needed.
However, the thought still didn’t
completely leave me that there was something else I wanted to
do. Over the next few days, I began thinking about what skills or
talents I could hone in on. I could draw pretty well, but I had not
completed anything since high school, over 18 years ago. I hadn’t
even tried to draw in over 15. Then one day after reading my pastor’s
blog, I thought, why not write? Not that this idea was completely
out of the blue; I have thought about it off and on for a long time. Nor did I think writing well was easy, but it was something I enjoyed doing. My
dream would be to one day write a Bible study. However, I had always
just brushed off the idea and went on with my everyday life. I had
done well with writing stories and essays in school, so why not give it a shot?
So, this blog was birthed.
If there are any subjects that I
always have something to write about, it’s my awesome God and my two precious
children, Nathan and Sophie. He uses them every day to get through
to me. I have never needed His guidance and wisdom more than I do
since I became a mother. I never knew I could make so many mistakes
and need His forgiveness and mercy so much until I became a mother. I never
knew that a child could teach me so much about myself and my God. I
never felt so inadequate or as humbled as I have been since I became
a mother. I have also never felt so loved or needed as I am now that
I am a mommy. So, even if this is never read by anyone but me, at
least I will be able to remember the journey of learning from my
little ones.
