Great Expectations

I read a quote today that challenged me. “Focus more on who your child is than on what your child does. Remember, you’re growing a person, not fixing a problem.” (L.R.Knost)  Sometimes I think we as parents, expect our children to not act like children.  I have read and heard by professional counselors and speakers that expectations kill relationships. Often as parents, we expect our children to grow emotionally or mentally immediately, but that isn’t how it works. Their bodies don’t grow immediately from a 6-year-old to a 10-year-old. Why do we often expect them to grow behaviorally overnight?

I am so guilty of this. But when you think about it, do we as Christians grow spiritually overnight? Do we put bad habits to rest overnight? Do we grow in patience, compassion and wisdom overnight? No! Why do we put such pressure on our children to conform to our expectations overnight? Are our expectations even realistic?  Do we expect our kids to readily master emotions or behavior that we, ourselves, are still struggling with?

God’s mercies are new for us every morning. That’s good news! God is patient with us, far more patient with me that I am with my children at times. We often miss the wonderful little people our children are by focusing on the things they do that we don’t like.  Are they kind, generous or thoughtful?  Are they intelligent, honest or gracious? We are all works in progress, children and parents.

By all means, we are to train, teach and nurture our children in godly character. We are also to set an example of godly character.  But it doesn’t happen overnight. “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Let’s examine our expectations. Let’s be persistent but patient. I don’t nag my husband, but I confess I am sometimes a nagging mom. Nagging will eventually lead to children who don’t want to be around us. Let’s teach our children to strive for excellence not perfection. And let’s remember that the only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus!

Gee, Thanks Mom

 I was standing at one of my regular posts, the washing machine, when I felt someone walk up behind me. As I turned around, I saw tears in my daughter’s eyes. She whispered that she had left her toothpaste at her friend’s house after their sleep-over.  As I looked at her flush little face, my heart felt for her.

Why would she cry over toothpaste? Well, for one thing she was very tired. Like many of us, when she is tired, she gets emotional.  But the other reason is that she is often forgetting things. It is a regular occurrence, a constant infraction, and often her excuse for, well, just about anything.  She thought she would be in trouble. As I looked at her, I saw myself. To this day, I am forever forgetting things. It’s a running joke when we gather at my mom’s house that when I leave, I will forget something: sunglasses, my watch, food, etc.… My husband and my friends at work know I forget my phone on a consistent basis.

It is so frustrating to me. I try; I really do, but remembering things is not one of my strengths.  While I want my children to excel and overcome their weaknesses, I am reminded that some of those weaknesses came directly from me. Bummer. Why couldn’t they have inherited all my strengths and all my husband’s strengths and none of our weaknesses?!  am reminded that I too, am intrinsically flawed.  Yet God shows me grace. Grace upon grace. My children deserve the same from me.

I find myself pushing them sometimes to overcome these inherited (or possibly, inadvertently learned from watching me?...ugh), undesirable tendencies because I don’t want them to struggle with them all their lives: forgetfulness, procrastination, impatience. Oh and the occasional emotional melt-down when tired, that’s from me too. But I realize there is a difference between pushing and nagging and actually helping and encouraging. When I show grace, I can encourage, but without grace, I may make my children feel like they are not good enough, like their weaknesses define them. That is NOT what I want. 

I wrapped my arms around my sweet girl and told her it was OK. Mommy forgets things a lot too and she was welcome to use my toothpaste. The next day her friend came to play and brought her little travel bag back. When I saw it on the table, all I could do was laugh.  For in it, was not only her toothpaste, but also her shampoo, conditioner, tangle spray and brush! 

“Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that is greater than all my sins.”

 (And it is greater than our weaknesses too)

Back to the Basics

A few weeks ago, my family and I were standing in line at the Penguin exhibit at Sea World, Olrando.  It was hot. I mean sticky, sweaty, and exhaustingly hot. We had not yet made it into the cold air inside and it was taunting us. 

Behind me was a little boy around 4 years old. He was not tired. He was full of energy and standing in a crowded line was not conducive to his level of liveliness.  He was constantly moving in-between his family and others standing around him, climbing on rocks and being really loud.  It was Sea World; he’s allowed to be excited, though it was getting to be a bit much. He was also, though unintentionally, stepping on our feet and bumping into us a lot.  

The boy’s behavior didn’t bother me as much as what the grandmother did to try to control him. The mother was standing there as well, apparently oblivious to the whole thing.  Instead of stopping him and explaining to him why his behavior was unacceptable, grandma threatened him with bodily harm…from me! She told him if he didn’t stop, I was going to hit him. I couldn’t believe my ears! I looked at this little boy, looking up at me, and told him that I was not going to hit him. Thankfully the line moved and we were finally inside the exhibit.

Now, I realize this woman was joking, but the little boy didn’t know that. To him, I was the bad guy. To him, he needed to stop what he was doing so that I wouldn’t hit him, not because it was inconsiderate.  I was just standing there, minding my own business; how did I become the bad guy? 

How will children ever learn that their behavior and actions are their own responsibility if we put the blame off on other people? How will they learn that their behavior affects other people and they should be considerate of others, not because bodily harm will come to them, but because it’s the right to do?

This is part of the problem with today’s culture; we, as a society, are not teaching our children to take responsibility for their own actions. We blame everyone else, so our kids do too. We are not teaching them to respect and think about other people. And often, like the oblivious mom in this scenario, we want other people to do our parenting for us. 

So many kids grow up having no regard for anyone but themselves. Whatever happened to plain old good manners? When did teaching manners become cliché? It’s time we take back our role as parents and teach our kids how to have self-control, to take responsibility for their words and actions and live respectfully in a society with other people.