Great Expectations

I read a quote today that challenged me. “Focus more on who your child is than on what your child does. Remember, you’re growing a person, not fixing a problem.” (L.R.Knost)  Sometimes I think we as parents, expect our children to not act like children.  I have read and heard by professional counselors and speakers that expectations kill relationships. Often as parents, we expect our children to grow emotionally or mentally immediately, but that isn’t how it works. Their bodies don’t grow immediately from a 6-year-old to a 10-year-old. Why do we often expect them to grow behaviorally overnight?

I am so guilty of this. But when you think about it, do we as Christians grow spiritually overnight? Do we put bad habits to rest overnight? Do we grow in patience, compassion and wisdom overnight? No! Why do we put such pressure on our children to conform to our expectations overnight? Are our expectations even realistic?  Do we expect our kids to readily master emotions or behavior that we, ourselves, are still struggling with?

God’s mercies are new for us every morning. That’s good news! God is patient with us, far more patient with me that I am with my children at times. We often miss the wonderful little people our children are by focusing on the things they do that we don’t like.  Are they kind, generous or thoughtful?  Are they intelligent, honest or gracious? We are all works in progress, children and parents.

By all means, we are to train, teach and nurture our children in godly character. We are also to set an example of godly character.  But it doesn’t happen overnight. “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Let’s examine our expectations. Let’s be persistent but patient. I don’t nag my husband, but I confess I am sometimes a nagging mom. Nagging will eventually lead to children who don’t want to be around us. Let’s teach our children to strive for excellence not perfection. And let’s remember that the only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus!

Gee, Thanks Mom

 I was standing at one of my regular posts, the washing machine, when I felt someone walk up behind me. As I turned around, I saw tears in my daughter’s eyes. She whispered that she had left her toothpaste at her friend’s house after their sleep-over.  As I looked at her flush little face, my heart felt for her.

Why would she cry over toothpaste? Well, for one thing she was very tired. Like many of us, when she is tired, she gets emotional.  But the other reason is that she is often forgetting things. It is a regular occurrence, a constant infraction, and often her excuse for, well, just about anything.  She thought she would be in trouble. As I looked at her, I saw myself. To this day, I am forever forgetting things. It’s a running joke when we gather at my mom’s house that when I leave, I will forget something: sunglasses, my watch, food, etc.… My husband and my friends at work know I forget my phone on a consistent basis.

It is so frustrating to me. I try; I really do, but remembering things is not one of my strengths.  While I want my children to excel and overcome their weaknesses, I am reminded that some of those weaknesses came directly from me. Bummer. Why couldn’t they have inherited all my strengths and all my husband’s strengths and none of our weaknesses?!  am reminded that I too, am intrinsically flawed.  Yet God shows me grace. Grace upon grace. My children deserve the same from me.

I find myself pushing them sometimes to overcome these inherited (or possibly, inadvertently learned from watching me?...ugh), undesirable tendencies because I don’t want them to struggle with them all their lives: forgetfulness, procrastination, impatience. Oh and the occasional emotional melt-down when tired, that’s from me too. But I realize there is a difference between pushing and nagging and actually helping and encouraging. When I show grace, I can encourage, but without grace, I may make my children feel like they are not good enough, like their weaknesses define them. That is NOT what I want. 

I wrapped my arms around my sweet girl and told her it was OK. Mommy forgets things a lot too and she was welcome to use my toothpaste. The next day her friend came to play and brought her little travel bag back. When I saw it on the table, all I could do was laugh.  For in it, was not only her toothpaste, but also her shampoo, conditioner, tangle spray and brush! 

“Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that is greater than all my sins.”

 (And it is greater than our weaknesses too)

You Get What You Get...

I hear screams coming from the other end of the house...again.  I know them well. My daughter. I don't panic though. It's a play scream. Her brother is tickling her or threatening to tickle her. Or he is looking at her with mischief of some sort in his eye. Oh my soul. I dislike those screams verily: ear piercing, make the dog howl, nails on a chalkboard screams. 

Before I walk through house to tell them to stop, I am reminded that I prayed for this. Really? Well, sort of. My heart's desire is that my children be best friends, that they enjoy each others' company. Apparently doing that includes screaming. My children have two sides. They are screaming with each other because they are happy and playing or they are fussing and sometimes yelling because they are angry with each other. 

I'm choosing happy. I can hear the screams right now. So, I shut my door. I like quietness and order. But God in his sometimes humorous wisdom, gave me two loud children! If they are happy and playing together, they are wrestling, screaming and laughing, loudly. I need to learn to live with that. That is the way they get along best right now. And isn't that what I actually want? I realize if I step in and end their play every time it gets louder than what I would like, I could be altering their future relationship. Light bulb moment, right now, believe it or not, they are bonding.

Soon, when I have had enough, and don't think me a saint of a mom, It.Will.Happen, I will put them outside. But for now, I am reminded of the saying Sophie learned in preschool, "You get what you get (come on say it with me) and you don't pitch a fit!"

Playtime

Finally, Saturday afternoon had arrived. The morning seminar I had to attend was finished. The house was mostly in order and the weather outside was delightful. So, I grabbed my book and nestled into my cozy chair on my back porch, feet up, coffee beside me. I could see and hear my kids playing in the back yard. All was well with the world.

“Mom, come jump with us,” was the request I heard from my kids who were on their trampoline. Now, I had already jumped with them briefly, and I was satisfied it was enough. “Not right now, just play with each other,” I countered. The last thing I wanted to do was jump on the trampoline. I mean, I’m almost 40! Then the request again, “But we want you to come jump with us.” Why can’t they just let me be? I just want to sit here and read this book, this parenting book…

At that very moment, I read the words, “Love to a child is spelled T-I-M-E. Your presence and every minute you spend with your child matter much more than you can imagine. The benefits will last a lifetime.”* Sigh…Smile. OK, I get it. So I lay down my parenting book and actually went to be a parent. 

As I opened the screen door and walked toward them, cheers exploded. Wow, what a reception!  I climbed on the trampoline and we jumped. We wrestled. We rested. Repeat. As I lay on my back, catching my breath, my children lay with me, the breeze blowing cool on our skin.  We watched the clouds pass by. We talked; we laughed. They were happy. I was happy. And again, all was well with the world. 

Sometimes, our tired, adult minds and bodies just want to rest, and we need that. Sometimes, our adult responsibilities have to be done; that’s being a mature adult. But sometimes, we just need to let it all go and play with our kids. For our kids will soon be the tired, responsible adults and the opportunity will have passed us by.

*Dr. Kevin Leman, Have a Happy Family by Friday